I Don’t Want To Be Your Hero

I am a huge fan of Bengali Cinema. One of the movies that have stayed with me is Dahan by Rituparno Ghosh.  You can read about it here.

http://www.filmimpressions.com/home/2011/08/dvd-review-dahan-1997.html.

This film is a searing indictment of a callous society that stands by and watches a woman being molested. The victim is bravely saved by another woman who is quickly hailed as a hero by the media but later becomes a victim herself. I particularly remember this scene between the ‘saviour’ and her grandmother that hit me like a ton of bricks. Buoyant with the adulation that she’s been getting everywhere, she visits her grandmother expecting her to praise her actions too. When her grandmother doesn’t say anything, she asks her whether she is proud of what she did. The grandmother observes that helping another person in need was what was expected of her, further questioning whether in our society cowardice or wrongful action has become the new normal.

The readers of my blog must be wondering what the connection between the above excerpt and my cancer is. The funny thing about a disease like cancer is that it no longer remains your business. It’s not a flu that you can quietly sleep off. Irrespective of how protective I am of my privacy, I had to share this news with almost everyone around me. The social scientist in me observes with mild amusement the varied reactions I’ve received from people. It’s been panic, disbelief, fear, pity, and even denial. Another consistent message that I’ve been getting is how I’m handling all this courageously and how brave/resilient I am.

I clearly remember the day my doctor said to me that this was cancer. I’m not sure there was any other way to have dealt with this than to accept it and do what needs to be done. I did not choose to be heroic or courageous about it. I can understand why everyone around me is seeing this from that lens or have been sending me messages to fight it out. Cancer still is a very big deal. It is one of those ailments that modern medicine has few answers to. I guess that’s the reason it scares us all. So someone dealing with it ‘normally’ automatically becomes feisty.

It is heartening to see so many people rooting for me. Every time I open my Facebook page, there is a new message of prayer, encouragement or love. My only fear is about those days when I would not want to be graceful and in control about my disease. When I would want to wallow in self-pity and scream “Why me?”. Why is it that that I’m allowed to feel and behave like a sick puppy if I have malaria, or jaundice or the flu and not cancer?

Is it that the heroic celebration of cancer patients is more a reflection of our collective fears of this disease? There are days I do feel burdened with all these expectations. I’ve not had the time or the space yet to understand what I really feel about what’s happening. I’m busy being brave for my doctors, family and friends.

I guess it’s as much a journey for me as for people around. Maybe as we trudge along this path, we can all think and reflect why we feel what we feel. And hopefully towards the end we’ll all be a little wiser. I will share that evolution with you in the hope that it can help someone else. 

A!

P.S: The song that I oh so adore and also is the title of this post.