The Cancer Etiquette

Since my Cancer diagnosis, I've been looking at the world from the other side of the lens. Before this, I was the friend or family member who was perplexed at how to support my loved ones in times of sickness and grief. We all know and understand what a difficult task it can be.

Should I call or text? Should I address the elephant in the room or circumvent the issue totally so the situation seems lighter? Should I pay a visit at the hospital or wait until the person is back home to meet him or her? Would this be violating someone’s privacy? What are the questions that are okay to ask? So on and so forth.

Now that the shoe is on the other foot, I'm beginning to get glimpses of what might be some of the appropriate things to do.  In the hope that this may help other people in similar situations, I am penning down my thoughts on cancer etiquette.

Before I air my own views on it, I would highly recommend everyone to read this article written by Kate Gross who was diagnosed with Colon Cancer and was told she won’t survive it (sadly she didn’t). Though written by a terminally ill patient and intended for people dealing with such a person, this is a useful primer for anyone who has a friend or family battling with disease. My most useful takeaway was this infographic she used.

_{Kate’s 'spiral’ plate (JOHN LAWRENCE)}

In this spiral, Kate placed different people along different arcs on the curve based on the proximity of the relationship between her and that person. So her partner and children are almost at the centre and farthest away are friends’ friends.

When visiting someone who is battling a disease, one must understand where they lie in the person’s spiral. The thumb rule is you provide support to the people closer than you and seek support from ones that are further away in the spiral. That seems so elegant in its simplicity. This way the patient would never need to console other people in their grief. And each of us can be pillars of support or be comforted depending on who we talk with.

Now for some of my observations on this:

1.   Every disease is different. Some have shorter cycles, others take a long time to be treated. Cancer specially is one of those diseases that can take anywhere between 6 months to many years to be treated (not considering recurrence and any unforeseen complications, etc.) The maximum support and wishes one receives is within the first week of the cancer announcement. With every passing day, less and less people will ask how you are doing. Even lesser would offer help for various tasks. If you really want to support your friend or family member, consistency is the key. How often you want to check on them is your call but writing endearing messages in the first week and disappearing after that just doesn't help or make sense.

2.  Many friends who were silent for many days finally wrote back and told me they didn’t know what to say. I completely understand where they are coming from but saying something is always better than saying nothing. I understand it’s a delicate balance and a daunting task but I guess that is what growing up is all about. You need to figure out a way to reach out. If you can’t think of what to say or write, read about it. And then try reaching out to your friend or family member.

3. Texting/ mailing/ letters are always better than phone calls, especially in the initial few days. Multiple doctor visits, dozens of tests, difficult decisions and above all coming to terms with the judgement itself exhausts the person. Written communication gives more control to in terms of when one is okay to read it and respond.

4. I am often quite divided about how I feel about external support because I want it and still don’t want it to overwhelm me. I am always happy to receive little notes of love and sometimes just a hey! But if and when there is an expectation attached to it, I get overwhelmed. I guess the patient and person have to find a rhythm where both are comfortable, more the former than the latter.

5.   Just because I have cancer doesn't mean I don’t want to hear what is going on in your life. I strive to let as little change in my life as possible. I would love to hear about your recent indulgence or heartbreak or in law trouble or stories of your little one growing up. I would love for you to share everything that we did before all this happened. Like the old times.

6. Lastly, we all are living on planet Google and there is no excuse for you to not read a little bit about the disease. It will give you a sense of what is going on with me and what the next few months look like. It also helps if I can have more specific discussions with you where I will be able to share more about what’s going on. Frankly speaking, it's quite tiresome explaining in minute detail about the nature of the disease in order to discuss, say, options that I'm evaluating at that time.

I have always been socially awkward. I am known to not pick up calls and disappear for months all together. Despite being this way, I would like to believe that I am not a fair weather friend and that when a friend needs support I wouldn't fail them.

If you have a friend or family you care for and she has found herself in a difficult situation, think and reflect what you can do to stand by them. Isn’t this what sharing meaningful relationships is about?

A!