Many of us have an obsessive need to plan our lives. Brick by brick we put together experiences, qualifications, relationships, work to form a life that suits us. Then one fine day you are given this deadly diagnosis and all those bricks crash right before of your eyes.
Let me try and enumerate the ways Mr. C has changed my world.
1. Its been three months since I last did any work. My work often is the truest expression of myself. I feel extremely fidgety when I do not produce anything worthwhile (or atleast what I consider so). People with Cancer do go back to work while getting treatment. I keep telling myself that it's a matter of a few months and I would be back but still when everything changes, you secretly hope for a few things to remain the same.
2. I am so fiercely protective of my independence but whether I like it or not, this disease has inroduced me to all kinds of dependencies. Someone to take care of me, someone to go to the doctor with me, someone to collect my reports or arrange my transportation. Not even in my dreams, did I ever imagine that I would have to deal with giving away the remote control of my life to other people.
3. My mom would often tell me that I was her most expensive child because I always ended up in situations (school, higher studies, etc.) that cost more money. Little did I know that I would be her most expensive child even in illness. I think it's pretty well known that dealing with Mr. C is an expensive affair. Being the quintessential "jhola chhaap samaajsevak" (Community worker), I'd be budgeting with my income to even deal with a fever. This is way beyond all of that. Hence followed the financial dependencies that again is such a difficult thing for me to accept. I mean I would always lecture other people that one of the hallmarks of being an adult is to be able to afford yourself (needs, wants, etc).
4. Fear is always lurking around the corner. Always. Fear of the Mr. C coming back, fear of not catching it in the initial phases, fear of going through this all over again. There are days I am able to deal with it and then there are days I prepare for myself for the eventuality.
5. There are so many happy stories of cancer surviors floating in the world but what probably gets buried in these stories are those moments of intense vulnerabilities. We all derive so much comfort out of the predictability of life, from knowing your payday to having a broad sense of how the year looks and how many long holidays one can plan. The blanket of predictablity is often removed from the life of a patient. All I know about is today. Everyday that I wake up feeling okay I say a silent prayer. I am forever prepared for new developments, to change course of action if something changes.
6. Foodie or food connoisseur has to be the most exploited phrase of modern times. So I would stay away from using these two words, but the truth is until my diagnosis happened, food was my longest lasting relationship. I was born into a Kayastha household (a community known for their love for food) in Lucknow ( One cannot talk about food in India and not have Lucknow on their list). I love reading cookbooks, trying out different cuisines and feeding people. Mr. C has changed my equation with food for life. I understand that many food items are crossed off my plate forever. These days when I walk and see people casually eating their food I feel a sense of envy engulfing me. Who are these people who can put anything in their mouth without worrying about consequences?!
May be this is the reason so many cancer survivors write books or blog about their experiences. Whether one likes it or not, it will make you rediscover your life and redefine your priorties. Some are lucky to find support on the way, others just have to traverse this terrain all by themselves. If you are brave enough to survive this, Mr. C will be benevolent enough to put a halo around your head and may be a book deal too.
Till I write again.
A!
