And miles to go before I sleep..

Last ten days have been pretty monumental. I again felt a lump in the reconstructed breast. Went to see my plastc surgeon, we decided to do a sonography and then what followed was nothing different from last time. My Cancer is back. It is in the same reconstructed breast but on the other side. The stage, how it feels, how fast its hradening is all similar to what happened three months back. The first time it happened, my doctor decided to do a partial removal of breast (Lumpectomy) and once all the diseased part was removed, they reconstructed it using muscles from my back. Post that I was advised to start Chmeotherapy etc. which I decided to opt out of. I instead was undergoing an Ayurvedic treatment for last two months.

This time things are different. Since the disease has come back so soon, they feel there is no option but to remove the entire breast (Mastectomy). They will do a complete reconstruction at the time of surgery. Before the surgery, I have been advised to start Chemotherapy, to shrink the tumor and ensure that the cells don't spread. I will be starting with Chenotherapy from next week. 

As one can imagine, there are so many feelings, emotions, thoughts that I am going through at this moment and all moments before this. The first and foremost being the nature of the disease and how I may have to embark on a path that I could never own completely. In the past ten days so many people have asked me that obvious question "But why didn't you do Chemotherapy". Some even had the tone tantamounting to " Are you stupid?". I wish I had an easy answer to that, even if I had, it is highly likely that the message will be lost in translation. I know a lot of you may be curious to know If I regret my decision now?. Honsetly not even one bit also this incident has not weakened my faith in the world of healing that is outside of allopathy. The choices that Cancer patients have infront of them are far from perfect. If you don't do anything you may die, Chemotherapy and Radiotherapy come with their bag full of side effects (side effects varies from individual) but are a patients best bet. The world of alternativee therapy is so vast andso fraught with inconistencies that finding a treatment that suits you and one you can trust is a challenge in itself. What makes these choices even more difficult is the uncertainty involved with all this. Cancel literature is full of people who have been miraculously healed and also who succumbed. There is no surity for anything. You can do nothing and survive and you may do everything and still die. 

I believe our decisions speak a lot about who we are as people. Where are we coming from. Having been disease free most off my life and developing a healthy relationship with my body has given me the confidence of its power to heal itself. I also understand that I must embrace my treatment and acceept it completely for it to work. May be it is time for me to loose my judgements about Chmeotherapy. This is what I need right now and I am hopeful this time I would not lie on the right side of statistic. Even if I do, thats allright. I am reminded of something my friend said to me when I asked her if I will succumb to enormity of this. She said " I know it is going to be difficult, but if I know someone who can rise above all this; it's you". 

So for now, I am making friends with Chemotherapy. Everyone's experience of it is unique and hence I am stepping into it with a clean slate. I know so many of you have been constantly praying for me. Let me tell you, even if does not seem so, it's working. I have never felt so grounded and grateful in my life. Like they say " Whatever doesnt kill you,makes you stronger."